How To Lose Face Fat, My Annoying Friend and Other Tales of Chasing Youth

I know someone who has this weird habit of looking at people and immediately likening them to some sort of animal. You know how some people say that Mariah Carey looks like a horse when she strains for those high notes? This guy points that out. Not so bad, right? It gets annoying (and embarrassing) when he does it in public, especially if the person hears us.

We were chatting about some of the people we had met at a party recently and I brought up the punk artist Sophie who we spent some time talking to.You know what my friend says? “Oh yeah, the one that looks like a pigeon.” He went to explain afterwards that she has big and high cheek muscles.

He tells me that he sees a lot of dogs on the street. I ask him, “oh really? What kind?” Then he starts going on, saying something like, “well this one was carrying a dozen grocery bags and she had the biggest, baddest, baggiest cheeks you’d ever seen…” he’s really started getting annoying recently because he’s pointed out that I’m starting to look more like a Shar Pei. I’d never heard of the breed so I Googled it. He was lucky he left my place when I actually found out what sort of dog it was.

After I calmed down, I reasoned with myself. He isn’t such a bad friend if he’s going to be that brutally honest with me. I sighed and went up to my bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. Had I really let myself go that much?

I pinched the skin below the chin on my neck and shook my head at different speeds to see how I could make it jiggle.

I was pinching the skin below the chin on my neck and shaking my head at different speeds to see how long I could make it jiggled for. Geez. He was right. I was staring at a dog in the mirror. A bitch to be exact. Just without the fur on the face. Oh wait, there it was.

Hurrying back down to my computer, I typed in “how to lose face fat” into Google. After about half an hour of browsing, I found a few interesting sites and quite a bit of information about what I could do to get rid of face fat.

If I was a Hollywood superstar or a millionaire, I could invest in liposuction for double chin or double chin plastic surgery. I’ve learned from all the magazines I’ve read from the time I was a teen about what letting a surgeon with a knife near your face can do to you and your confidence - but I was still a sissy about pain and besides, I had some more important things I could thing of to do with any extra real money that might show up in my life.

There was also the spa route, you know hot and cold facial wraps, facial masks and creams. Chances are those treatments might cost as much as surgery, and besides it seemed more like a luxury thing. I was never one for spending hours at a spa or a salon, (no access to my laptop) - and being surrounded by all those Vogue sisters. I didn't want to go that route to lose my face fat.

A Better Alternative to Spas or the Plastic Surgeons Knife.

The final thing that I found during my research was how to lose face fat with facial exercises. Chubby cheeks, double chins, saggy eyes… you name it. Just by doing some stretches for 15 minutes a day, I could gradually rebuild my face to look good again.

Ha. I’ll show my friend for calling me a Shar Pei. By the end of the month I might look like a nicer breed of dog. Like a Husky. Always liked those dogs.

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